Lies mothers tell

My beloved Khmer language school, LEC, is now offering Saturday morning tutoring in addition to Mondays through Fridays.  I’ve studied there for three months during summer breaks, but this is my first time studying there weekly during the school year.  I asked my new tutor, Neakru Roth, to help me with reading and speaking related to Bible stories and Khmer culture.  Recently my reading lesson was titled:

Lies mothers often tell their children

I wasn’t sure what direction this was going.  What lies do American moms often tell their kids?  But here’s the list:

1. When there’s not enough food, the mom always tells her kids that she’s not hungry.
2. When there’s really delicious food, the mom always tells her kids that she doesn’t like it.
3. When the household is short on money, the mom always tells her kids that she doesn’t like new clothes.
4. When the work lasts from dawn until midnight, the mom always tells her kids that she’s not sleepy.
5. When the work is exhausting, the mom always tells her kids that she’s not worn out.
6. When the family goes out and can’t buy enough drinks, the mom always tells her kids that she’s not thirsty.
7. When she has a chronic illness, the mom always tells her kids that she’s fine.

The repetition of words made it pretty easy to read, but that didn’t mean it was easy to think about.  My tutor told me, “This is Khmer culture.  Is American culture the same?  Do you agree with this?”  We started discussing and debating, and I struggled to form my thoughts, let alone my Khmer sentences. 

Two things were clear to me.  Firstly, the circumstances that give way to these lies are ubiquitous across Cambodia.  When the majority of employed adults are subsistence rice farmers, and their only safety net is the generosity of their (also poor) relatives, financial crises are basically inevitable.  It’s heavy realizing how many people I see daily on my way to school, let alone all who live in the poorer countryside, face these and other struggles regularly. 

Secondly, these lies aren’t motivated by malice but by love.  My tutor said she knows her mom used to lie about not being hungry or sleepy or sick, wanting to protect her children from worries.  The US and many Western cultures value truth and honesty, but Cambodia and many Asian cultures value harmony more.  In their view, if a lie can preserve other people’s happiness and relationships with you, not only are you allowed to say it, but you probably SHOULD say it.  A corollary is that the audience may suspect the unpleasant truth, but by lying – even if the lie is unconvincing - you’re not forcing them to confront it. 

I’ve seen my students – specifically Koreans – get hurt when their parents lie to them about big things.  Lies like “Grandma’s still in the hospital” (when actually she passed away last Saturday) and “We’re going to visit Dad in Cambodia for a week” (but you’re moving in with him for two years) only damaged my students’ trust and increased their pain when the truth came out.  One of my students even wondered for months if her mom was dying of cancer back in Korea, because her mom clearly had health problems but wouldn’t tell her about them.  So my first knee-jerk reaction to the article was, “You should ALWAYS tell the truth!”  But I soon realized that even in my oh-so-forthright American culture, it’s more complicated than that.  Don’t you sometimes have to shield kids from certain knowledge, even if not through a downright lie? 

Questions flooded into my mind faster than I could spit out the words.  How old are these children?  How serious is the illness?  How much pressure do Khmer moms feel to lie even when they desperately need to admit the burdens they’re carrying?  Are they allowed to be honest with some other adult?   And what about the dads…why are they absent from this whole discussion? 

Neakru Roth said as she got older, her mom told her about more struggles, and no longer hides things from her now that Neakru Roth is a college student.  She also said that most dads don’t talk much with their kids, so they have no need to lie.  In her family, her parents both fought hard to provide for their eight children.  However, like the men in several of my other Khmer friends’ families, her dad had a drinking problem.  I wonder how many times her mom went hungry or didn’t buy new clothes because he was overspending on alcohol.  A former tutor told me she's frequently guilt tripped into giving her sister money that's too often wasted on her brother-in-law's gambling addiction instead of essentials like rent and groceries.

If I were to add an eighth lie, it would be, “When the dad beats up the mom, she always tells her kids that she fell down the stairs.”  In my mind, it’s touching if the mom is lying to protect her kids from an impersonal force like a failed rice crop, but galling if she’s lying to enable her husband’s addictions or misconduct.  It’s my impression that Khmer women are expected to do both as needed.   I’m sure some women leave abusive spouses, but it seems to be a small minority, whether due to shame, family pressure, or financial need.  Men have impunity to act in many heartless and selfish ways that women could never get away with.  I do know some Khmer men who are great husbands and fathers, but overall they have a terrible reputation because they are held to such low standards.  I have Khmer friends who say they would be afraid to marry a Khmer man.

My tutor asked me if US culture matched this list, but all I knew for sure is that many US moms never face circumstances as drastic as those that inspire Khmer moms to lie.  I’m sure more do than I suspect, and I know that even well-off, healthy parents (like my own) sacrifice more than I realize for their children.  Still, this lesson left me aching for Khmer women.  I want to pray more for them and be more aware of the load they often carry.  May they know the One who is able to make their yoke easy and their burden light!