Redeeming Singleness

In March, I spoke to World Team's leaders throughout Asia. The topic: How leaders and teammates can better understand and serve single World Teamers. I was rather nervous (this wasn’t my idea), but it turned into a great conversation. I learned a lot before, during, and even after our session as I continued reading up and asking others for input.

My contribution consisted of my story and some survey results. I'd asked singles in World Team and other mission groups worldwide, "How can leaders and teammates better serve you and help you maximize your gifts?" They had some excellent ideas that I'd be glad to share with interested parties. 

Two other speakers (both lifelong singles) joined our session via livestream. One, Suzy Grumelot, is releasing a book with Sue Eenigenburg this fall helping singles and marrieds serve well together. The other, Barry Danylak, wrote Redeeming Singleness, which grew out of his Ph.D. research at Cambridge examining Biblical theology on singleness and especially offspring. I just finished that book this month, but before our March session, I was able to read a great condensed version.

As a single Christian who likes to read about singleness and Christianity, I'm not new to this topic. But I was surprised how much I learned from Danylak. I'd like to highlight a few of his main points in this blog because this matters, not just for singles, but for every Christian. In the US and Europe, those living alone (never-married, divorced, widowed, separated) now outnumber those living with a spouse, and other countries are also seeing declines in marriage. If Christians overemphasize family as the purpose of life, we're missing a big chunk of the Biblical story and a big chunk of our surrounding community. 

(If what follows contains inaccuracies, please assume it's due to my poor summarizing, not his poor findings. Quotes are taken from the condensed version - sorry I don't have page numbers.)

“Of the three great monotheistic religions of modern time, Judaism, Christianity and Islam, only Christianity affirms singleness as a distinctive calling and gift within the community of God’s people.” I was fascinated by this. Let's look a bit more in depth:

• Judaism, including the Talmud and rabbinic tradition, contains teachings that marriage and procreation are essential duties for every man, that celibacy leaves you as half a person and impeded from sanctification. I'll further explore Old Testament teachings below.
• Islam strongly urges marriage as a moral safeguard and social necessity. The Prophet Mohammed said, "There is no celibacy in Islam." 
• Even Mormonism discourages singleness since it teaches that marriage is eternal and a core part of God's plan for everyone. You can be sealed with your spouse (or spouses, if the first one died and you remarried) and children to live together as a family forever.

Danylak writes that “those who are single may experience two different but related voids:”

1. No marriage partner: missing out on intimacy and companionship with a spouse. All singles experience this.
2. No physical offspring. Many never-married people and some divorcees and widows experience this. So do many married people who have never had children or whose children have died.

Christianity celebrates singles. While the Old Testament's Sinai covenant delivered key blessings through marriage and the birth of physical progeny, it foreshadowed the spiritual birth available now through Jesus. The New Testament presents singleness as "a calling and a gift." Singles and marrieds, parents and childless, need each other and are equal members of the body of Christ.

Old Testament

Starting in Genesis 1, when God blessed each newly created animal and commanded it to multiply, a link is clear between blessing and offspring.

God's covenant with Abraham promises blessing related to three categories: descendants, land, and a name or reputation. The first of these is required to inherit and perpetuate the second and third. If you don't have children, who will receive your land when you die? Who will bear and remember your name? The afterlife is murky throughout much of the Old Testament, and children are key to being remembered and thus "existing" beyond death. 

God created his covenant people, His symbolic offspring, mostly through physical procreation, along with some sojourners and foreigners joining Israel. In ancient Israel, marriage was a given for every healthy adult, but children were another story. All the major Old Testament matriarchs experienced barrenness, a source of great shame and grief. They had to rely on God to provide their desperately longed-for children. 

Later, in the books of the prophets, God frequently employs family metaphors such as marriage to describe His relationship with unfaithful Israel. The prophets' personal lives often signify an aspect of this relationship, but with tremendous variety:

• Jeremiah was commanded, "You shall not take a wife, nor shall you have sons and daughters in this place." He lamented his name being forgotten in the future (Jeremiah 16:2, 11:19).
• Isaiah and his wife were commanded to give their three sons names that communicated God's messages to Israel and its neighbors (Isaiah 7-8).
• Hosea was commanded to marry an adulteress and to give their children names signifying God's judgment and subsequent compassion on Israel. He found her and brought her back after she'd run off on him: a picture of God's forgiveness and compassion on Israel (Hosea 1-3).
• Ezekiel was commanded not to mourn when his wife passed away, foreshadowing the pent-up grief of Israel when facing impending judgment (Ezekiel 24).

Israel is also depicted frequently as God's rebellious offspring and stubborn child, at risk for covenant curses like sparse offspring and a blotted-out name (Isaiah 48). The future looks bleak for Israel's offspring (plural). Yet a kernel of hope remains in an offspring (singular) who will be a shoot growing from a stump and a holy seed. He will offer Israel a new beginning. Curiously, he himself will suffer terribly and die -- but then will see his offspring and enjoy a long life (Isaiah 53:10). What kind of descendants can be gained through a sacrificial death?!

More good news targets those deprived of family. In Isaiah 54, the barren woman has more children than her married peer. The eunuch may once again enter the assembly and God’s holy temple. He is promised an everlasting name better than sons and daughters (Isaiah 56). How could these promises come true?

New Testament

While Jesus never tried to undermine or destroy family values, He ushered in something greater: Kingdom values. Jesus' few words on singleness were enough to shock his mostly Jewish audience. For example: 

"The sons of this age marry and are given in marriage, but those who are considered worthy to attain to that age and to the resurrection from the dead neither marry nor are given in marriage, for they cannot die any more, because they are equal to the angels and are sons of God" (Luke 20:34-36). 

In other words, marriage isn't necessary for those who have eternal life in Christ, because the species will continue without physical procreation. Um... isn't that ignoring other benefits of marriage? What about the joy, fulfillment, and personal growth that can result from long-term intimacy with another person? Yes, those are good, but Jesus implied that in the new creation we'll have even better relationships without marriage. So the currently single are "worthy" to reflect that coming reality. We celebrate the truth that we already have eternal life and already belong to God's family. 

In Matthew 19, Jesus took an extreme stance on divorce, stating it's permissible only following adultery. The stunned disciples retorted, "If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry." In their Jewish culture, not marrying was an absurd idea. Maybe they expected their hyperbole would force Jesus to modify his statement. Instead, in verses 11-12, he affirmed their words: 

"Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by man, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it."

This third category of eunuch would have surprised them. Jesus was saying there should be some people who willingly forego marriage and parenting, freeing themselves to better serve God's kingdom. This choice was not inferior to marriage, but was a good decision for those who could handle it.

Jesus had no home, spouse, or biological children. But he instructed and invested in his disciples and other followers like a father with his children. He lived not in isolation but in community, in concentric circles of relationships that included women.

New Testament authors like Paul built on the prophets' theme to identify Jesus as the singular offspring heralded by the prophets (Galatians 3:16). By faith all may become true heirs of Abraham and of God, not as physical descendants but “children of the promise” born through spiritual regeneration (Romans 9:8). Under the new covenant in Christ, the significance of singleness changes as God's plan of redemption further unfolds. People no longer need marriage and physical offspring in order to receive God's blessings like they did under the Sinai covenant: 

• Children: We're no longer commanded to "be fruitful and multiply" but to "make disciples of all nations" (Matthew 28:19). Spouses and children are still a great blessing, but we can fulfill God's purposes without them.
• Land: Our inheritance is not dirt to farm and live on and leave to our children, but eternal life and citizenship in heaven (1 Peter 1:3-4, Philippians 3:20). 
• Name: Our name is no longer at risk of being forgotten if our descendants die out, but is an indicator of eternal life (Revelation 3:5). 

Why singleness matters

All believers now have access to genuine relationship and intimacy with others in the church, God's family. While these friendships don't substitute for a spouse and physical children, they are still vibrant and meaningful. They point to the beautiful renewed relationships we'll enjoy with our Father and His family in the age to come, when marriage no longer exists. 

I appreciated that reminder. I tend to view singleness as if it's supposed to be a temporary, short-term state, while marriage lasts a lifetime. That's the American dream, right? Find your soul mate, marry, and live happily ever after. But actually marriages can end at any moment. Most people die single, and all of us will be resurrected single. Nobody who experiences God face to face will say, "I just miss being married," because marriage was never meant to be more than a dim reflection of that glorious relationship. Singleness, not marriage, characterizes our true "happily ever after." This revelation led me to start referring to husbands as "temps." :)

The Bible affirms singleness because singles (and childless couples) can testify that Christ is enough for them and that they have received every spiritual blessing in Him. Singles, couples, and families intermingled in the church community illustrate the "now-and-not yet" season we live in, between Christ's resurrection and the age to come. "The spiritual age has already been inaugurated in Christ and awaits imminent consummation." 

This truth is comforting to people without a spouse and/or children. It's also a challenge for the whole church. Are we operating out of Old Testament or New Testament perspectives?

• Are we communicating to our surrounding communities that our goal is to build homes and reputations and thriving families? Or to raise and nurture spiritual children as we make disciples? 
• Are we looking for our inheritance and treasures in the present world, or in the one to come? 
• Are we trying to build our own kingdoms, or God's?

Singles are uniquely poised to seek God's kingdom first, and our presence can remind the church of its extraordinary inheritance when God makes all things new. 

Want more? Read for yourself... or watch Danylak's YouTube overview. I also recommend this catechism for a Biblical perspective on questions commonly posed by singles (and others).