Today didn't exactly go as planned.
This morning, I planned to attend part of a women's prayer time at my Khmer church. I wasn't sure I'd written down the correct time several weeks back, so I asked two friends. One didn't know, and the other didn't reply in time. When I showed up, nobody was there. The drive was hot and fruitless.
I came home and thought, "This is good, I have time to clean the apartment!" But while cleaning the sink, I pushed down the plug, and there's no lever to push it back up. (You're supposed to be able to push it down once to lock it and once more to spring it back up, but the spring part doesn't work anymore.) I disassembled the pipes and spent nearly an hour cleaning out black gunk and hair, and trying to push up the plug with chopsticks. My roommate said it's the only way to do it, and she's succeeded multiple times before, but neither of us could get it to work. I was left with pruney fingers, pipe sections on the floor, a couple of broken chopsticks, and a still-plugged sink.
(Update: She managed to fix it the next day!)
This morning, I planned to attend part of a women's prayer time at my Khmer church. I wasn't sure I'd written down the correct time several weeks back, so I asked two friends. One didn't know, and the other didn't reply in time. When I showed up, nobody was there. The drive was hot and fruitless.
I came home and thought, "This is good, I have time to clean the apartment!" But while cleaning the sink, I pushed down the plug, and there's no lever to push it back up. (You're supposed to be able to push it down once to lock it and once more to spring it back up, but the spring part doesn't work anymore.) I disassembled the pipes and spent nearly an hour cleaning out black gunk and hair, and trying to push up the plug with chopsticks. My roommate said it's the only way to do it, and she's succeeded multiple times before, but neither of us could get it to work. I was left with pruney fingers, pipe sections on the floor, a couple of broken chopsticks, and a still-plugged sink.
(Update: She managed to fix it the next day!)
This afternoon, my teammate Victor came with his pickup truck to help me pick up a desk and a sofa. Getting the desk was fine, but the sofa couldn't make it out of its previous owners' apartment. After an hour of wrangling it, removing legs, and trying every possible twist and turn, we gave up. The husband was baffled because they'd gotten it in there somehow in one piece. We drove home tired, sweaty, and sofa-less. This poor couple is moving out of the country tomorrow after 25 years here, and as I was leaving, he was surrendering the keys to their apartment. They didn't get their money for the sofa, but they DID get a wall full of scratches and an angry landlord. What a sad way to spend their final moments in a cherished home. (His ability to take it all in stride was a great example for me, though.)
 |
| Happy about my "new-to-me" desk, though! |
- Yesterday afternoon after Khmer class, I chose to savor time with a friend, even though it meant I didn't have time to run two errands across town, which I really wanted to accomplish. When I came home, I took a much-needed nap. Driving across town for those errands would have put me beyond tired. Monday's not too late to get them done.
- I slept nine hours last night, up from seven most nights recently. Seven has not been cutting it.
- I had a good prayer time this morning. That hasn't been true every day.
- I ate well and drank plenty of water today.
- The power stayed on all day, so I had access to a fan most of the time.
- During my workout this morning, I listened to my "Help!" playlist. These songs reminded me of truths that transcend sofas, sweat, and sinks. Truths like...
- God's goodness satisfies me (Audrey Assad - "I Shall Not Want")
- God is my refuge and my strength (Eoghan Heaslip - "A Shield About Me")
- God holds onto me when I can't hold onto Him (Keith & Kristyn Getty - "He Will Hold Me Fast")
- I didn't have much planned for today. I had a "wish list" of tasks I'd like to accomplish eventually, but I was OK with them not happening today. I wanted to leave room and energy for the prayer time and moving furniture. My biggest goal for today is to go to bed on time.
In short, I'm OK because I was practicing margin.
I'm not very good at margin. Literally. I was that kid in elementary school who tried to cram my pages as full as possible with writing. Why should I have to stop at the vertical red line and go down to the next horizontal blue line, when there's a whole beautiful inch to the right, waiting to be filled?
But margins on paper allow the readers space to process what they're reading and perhaps even to comment on it. They make the reader more relaxed, more attentive, and ultimately more effective.
But margins on paper allow the readers space to process what they're reading and perhaps even to comment on it. They make the reader more relaxed, more attentive, and ultimately more effective.
Margins in life matter too. In the US they're necessary, but in Cambodia they're absolutely essential. A week without margin leaves me stumbling around dazed, unable to think straight, let alone cope with stress. My 100% capacity here is about 80% of my US capacity, and since I'm still transitioning back, I'm still well below even that. I've been pretty amazed how exhausted I get just from the bare minimum: language study, cooking dinner, Bible study. I can't afford to indulge in my love of being busy the way I (kind of) could last year in the US.
I've tried to push through the fatigue to get things done: finish my newsletter, set up my new phone, read the rest of my book. Sometimes it's worth it; sometimes I regret it; but either way, it leaves me more in need of rest later on. I know from experience that when I save tasks for later, it often works out better anyway, because I have more energy to accomplish things if I'm better-rested.
I've tried to push through the fatigue to get things done: finish my newsletter, set up my new phone, read the rest of my book. Sometimes it's worth it; sometimes I regret it; but either way, it leaves me more in need of rest later on. I know from experience that when I save tasks for later, it often works out better anyway, because I have more energy to accomplish things if I'm better-rested.
Thankfully, most expats around me have learned the value of margin and remind me to pursue it. My team leaders, my friends, and my classmates have urged me recently to prioritize self-care. They remind me to sleep, to do things I enjoy, to protect my times with God. They know if I don't, I won't be here for long. There are too many stress factors threatening to sap my energy and rob my joy. I'm thankful for their gentle admonitions and tough questions keeping me accountable.
At its root, it's a question of trusting God. Can He take care of me and/or those around me if I go to bed on time or take my time reflecting on a Bible passage? Absolutely! But sometimes that's not the belief that my life reflects. When I get frantic and panicky, when I start convincing myself that I'm not *that* tired, and that I can and must fit just one more task (or three) into an already-full schedule, I know my heart is denying His promises to provide for me.
The question is, do I stop and reflect when I notice these warning signs, or do I forge ahead with my impossible agenda until reality collides with me? Sure, there are times when overextending myself short-term is needed, and in those cases, I likewise need to trust God to provide for my well-being. But if it's just based on sheer stubbornness, then pushing through to stick to my agenda is a terrible idea that usually backfires.
As I prepared to return here this time around, I knew I wanted to embrace margin even when it meant saying no to a lot of good things. Now that I'm here, I'm reminded that change isn't easy - but that in Christ, it IS possible because He is making me a new creation. He doesn't need me to be strong and energetic; He needs me to be listening.
I know I won't find a perfect balance of activities that will work in every unwritten chapter of my life, or even every page of this chapter. But I can allow God to keep changing my heart so that I'm ready to stop, listen, and respond to His voice. Maybe that's the most important task on my to-do list these days: the task of prioritizing margin so I can handle days that don't go as planned.
The question is, do I stop and reflect when I notice these warning signs, or do I forge ahead with my impossible agenda until reality collides with me? Sure, there are times when overextending myself short-term is needed, and in those cases, I likewise need to trust God to provide for my well-being. But if it's just based on sheer stubbornness, then pushing through to stick to my agenda is a terrible idea that usually backfires.
As I prepared to return here this time around, I knew I wanted to embrace margin even when it meant saying no to a lot of good things. Now that I'm here, I'm reminded that change isn't easy - but that in Christ, it IS possible because He is making me a new creation. He doesn't need me to be strong and energetic; He needs me to be listening.
I know I won't find a perfect balance of activities that will work in every unwritten chapter of my life, or even every page of this chapter. But I can allow God to keep changing my heart so that I'm ready to stop, listen, and respond to His voice. Maybe that's the most important task on my to-do list these days: the task of prioritizing margin so I can handle days that don't go as planned.
