This summer, it was apparent like
never before that my three younger siblings are all grown up. By Christmas, Austin will be done with
college and all of us will be out of school. (Unless I go back for a grad
degree, but that’s another story.) Moreover,
each of my siblings has reached traditional milestones of adulthood that I haven’t
yet. This fact has been weird for me to
grapple with, and yet I don’t necessarily think that they’re more mature or “grown-up”
than I am. Instead, I think my
nontraditional experiences have grown me in other ways.
US Grown-Up Expectation #2: Move out. Well, in a sense my siblings
and I have all done this. We all went
off to college around 18, and even Austin had an apartment in Lancaster during
his internship this summer. However, I
move back in for about two months each year and was the only Cooper kid at home
this summer. While I love having long
summer breaks, at times I feel like I’m getting too old to be an eternal
college kid.
My equivalent: Move far, far away…most of the time. Ten months a year, I live nearly as far
from home as is geographically possible.
I’m even away from home during holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas. When I’m back, though, I treasure my
time with my parents and try to make up for the rest of the year.
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| I was the only Cooper kid to join my parents in visiting my mom’s sister in Michigan this month. |
US Grown-Up Expectation #3: Buy a car.
My youngest brother Austin just became the proud owner of a rusty
Nissan, which used to belong to my sister.
Ironically, it would have been my car if I’d stayed stateside. I used a family car back in 2008 when I
student taught and long-term subbed, but my parents’ generosity combined with
my lack of funds meant that I never took the plunge of buying my own. When I’m back in the US now, you can mostly
find me in somebody’s passenger seat, unless I’m borrowing a car from my
parents. Some people looked at me with
pity the day I rode my bike to church, even though it’s faster than my commute
to school and less than 3 miles away on peaceful roads.
My equivalent: Learn to drive in another country. I have a scooter and a bicycle in
Cambodia, and have become proficient in its unofficial Road Rules and Tips. I’ve learned Khmer vocab that helps with
maintenance and repair, like how to ask for an oil change or a new inner tube,
or how to explain that my lights or brakes don’t work well. I’ve also become comfortable traveling solo
with a range of public transportation, from motodup taxis to international
flights.
Grown-Up Expectation #4: Get married. This expectation is especially strong in US
Christian subculture, which frowns upon alternatives like moving in with a
significant other and/or having kids out of wedlock. 2013 featured two Cooper weddings – my
younger sister Julia’s in January and my younger brother Lucas’ in
October. Two of my younger cousins both
married earlier this year. But in
Cambodia, single Christian girls far outnumber the guys among both foreigners
and nationals. I have dozens of single
Christian female friends in Cambodia, and there seems to be a pretty strong
correlation for females between staying in Cambodia and staying single.
My equivalent: Live harmoniously with lots of diverse roommates. As I understand it, a primary reason that
marriage grows you up is that you’re bound closely to another person, which reveals
and impedes your selfishness. Marriage
involves communicating carefully and making crucial life decisions in unity
with another person. As a single, I have
the freedom to make many life decisions on my own (like whether to stay in
Cambodia or how to spend my money) but I also live in close quarters with four
roommates at a time: a total of 8 women from five different countries in the
last five years. Living on the same
property as my landlords also decreases my privacy: their niece Srey Pos
routinely watches me through the kitchen and living room windows, inquiring
about everything I’m doing. (Sometimes their daughter Nana also joins her.) Learning to
live in community has taught me to value the strengths of roommates who differ
sharply from myself and to honor their needs and preferences. It has taught me about communicating
gently and clearly and appropriately within a range of cultures. And let's not forget the importance of laughing together!
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| Housemates in 2010 (1 not pictured) with our Christmas gifts |
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| Housemates in 2011: we were going for "awkward family photo" |
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| Housemates in 2012...maybe "Sound of Music" style? |
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| Housemates in 2013 - see, it IS possible for us to take a "normal" photo. :) |
US Grown-Up Expectation #5: Buy a house. My sister Julia reached this milestone by
age 25, buying a house with her husband Scott in his native Carlisle, PA last
winter. However, it’s nearly impossible
for foreigners in Cambodia…even those planning to stay long-term and raise a
family. That’s partly due to the
stipulation that a Cambodian citizen must own at least 51% of your home (AKA
you have to find a trusted Cambodian to go in on the sale with you), and partly
due to badly enforced property ownership laws that have allowed an epidemic of
land-grabbing. Can you imagine if a
rich, well-connected neighbor suddenly showed up with a deed to your house or a
document claiming half your land? It
happens far too often here. The one
family I know that’s ever owned a house in Cambodia subsequently sold it,
swearing “Never again,” and returned to renting.
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| New homeowners |
My equivalent: Become an employer.
I do pay my own rent – all $100 per month! – but that can’t really
compare to the responsibility of being in charge when the septic tank leaks or
the furnace breaks down. Maybe a better
comparison would be the responsibility I have as an employer, since this house
came with a “house helper” who cooks dinner and cleans for us on weekdays. In Cambodia, it's not as cut-and-dried as a
US employer/employee relationship: the employee is expected to be very loyal, and the employer is expected to provide for the
employee in ways beyond the monthly paycheck.
For example, I helped Khouch sign up her son for the free after-school
program at Logos and found a low-cost clinic to treat her mom’s eye
trouble. When her cousin got into a bad
car crash, Khouch asked us for an emergency loan. We’re now trying to help her start a savings
program, rare among Cambodians. Khouch
has shared prayer requests and difficulties with us that she says she doesn’t
really tell other Cambodians. Some of my
most uncomfortable moments have occurred while attempting sensitive
conversations with her across boundaries of culture and language. Khouch has also been an AMAZING help – from
cooking tasty dinners to helping me practice Khmer – and I’m very thankful for her hard work and her friendship. But at times it’s sobering to have so much influence
over her well-being.
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| Last summer, Khouch taught me Khmer recipes, like lok lak (flavorful beef with vegetables) |
US Grown-Up Expectation #6: Have kids. A number of my friends back home have attained
this one in the last two years. Lucas
and Audrey announced this summer that they’re
expecting identical twins around New Year’s.
If that doesn’t catapult you into the realm of adulthood, I don’t know
what would! They’re nervous but very
excited, and though they’re only 24ish, I’m convinced they’ll be awesome
parents. I’m delighted about becoming an
aunt, but the charms of single motherhood haven't quite won me over yet.
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| Surprise! |
My friend Adrianne commented
recently that the whole way through high school, you follow a similar timetable
to your peers. Everyone enters middle
school on the same day. Everyone’s summer
break lasts the same length of time.
Everyone expects to graduate on the same day, barring disaster. But after that, paths soon diverge until
there’s no longer a “normal” time to reach milestones. In my generation, that’s far truer than sixty
years ago, when nearly everyone was married by 25 and had a house and kids by 30. Sometimes I tend to envy people who are
reaching milestones before me, or I feel insecure about taking too long to attain them. But I guess the key to growing up
is to keep maturing, whether or not your newfound maturity comes with a house
or a car or a spouse. Instead of ranking
myself compared to my friends and siblings, I can toss out the checklist of
expectations and concentrate on just plain growing.
