Growing up

This summer, it was apparent like never before that my three younger siblings are all grown up.  By Christmas, Austin will be done with college and all of us will be out of school.  (Unless I go back for a grad degree, but that’s another story.)  Moreover, each of my siblings has reached traditional milestones of adulthood that I haven’t yet.   This fact has been weird for me to grapple with, and yet I don’t necessarily think that they’re more mature or “grown-up” than I am.  Instead, I think my nontraditional experiences have grown me in other ways.

US Grown-Up Expectation #1: Finish college and get a job.  Check and check.  I’m still ahead of Austin here, though I have a feeling he’ll be joining the workforce promptly after graduation.

US Grown-Up Expectation #2: Move out. Well, in a sense my siblings and I have all done this.  We all went off to college around 18, and even Austin had an apartment in Lancaster during his internship this summer.  However, I move back in for about two months each year and was the only Cooper kid at home this summer.  While I love having long summer breaks, at times I feel like I’m getting too old to be an eternal college kid. 

My equivalent: Move far, far away…most of the time.  Ten months a year, I live nearly as far from home as is geographically possible.  I’m even away from home during holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas.  When I’m back, though, I treasure my time with my parents and try to make up for the rest of the year.

I was the only Cooper kid to join my parents in visiting my mom’s sister in Michigan this month.

US Grown-Up Expectation #3: Buy a car.  My youngest brother Austin just became the proud owner of a rusty Nissan, which used to belong to my sister.  Ironically, it would have been my car if I’d stayed stateside.  I used a family car back in 2008 when I student taught and long-term subbed, but my parents’ generosity combined with my lack of funds meant that I never took the plunge of buying my own.  When I’m back in the US now, you can mostly find me in somebody’s passenger seat, unless I’m borrowing a car from my parents.  Some people looked at me with pity the day I rode my bike to church, even though it’s faster than my commute to school and less than 3 miles away on peaceful roads.  

My equivalent: Learn to drive in another country.  I have a scooter and a bicycle in Cambodia, and have become proficient in its unofficial Road Rules and Tips.  I’ve learned Khmer vocab that helps with maintenance and repair, like how to ask for an oil change or a new inner tube, or how to explain that my lights or brakes don’t work well.  I’ve also become comfortable traveling solo with a range of public transportation, from motodup taxis to international flights.

Grown-Up Expectation #4: Get married.  This expectation is especially strong in US Christian subculture, which frowns upon alternatives like moving in with a significant other and/or having kids out of wedlock.  2013 featured two Cooper weddings – my younger sister Julia’s in January and my younger brother Lucas’ in October.  Two of my younger cousins both married earlier this year.  But in Cambodia, single Christian girls far outnumber the guys among both foreigners and nationals.  I have dozens of single Christian female friends in Cambodia, and there seems to be a pretty strong correlation for females between staying in Cambodia and staying single. 

My equivalent: Live harmoniously with lots of diverse roommates.  As I understand it, a primary reason that marriage grows you up is that you’re bound closely to another person, which reveals and impedes your selfishness.  Marriage involves communicating carefully and making crucial life decisions in unity with another person.  As a single, I have the freedom to make many life decisions on my own (like whether to stay in Cambodia or how to spend my money) but I also live in close quarters with four roommates at a time: a total of 8 women from five different countries in the last five years.  Living on the same property as my landlords also decreases my privacy: their niece Srey Pos routinely watches me through the kitchen and living room windows, inquiring about everything I’m doing.  (Sometimes their daughter Nana also joins her.)  Learning to live in community has taught me to value the strengths of roommates who differ sharply from myself and to honor their needs and preferences.  It has taught me about communicating gently and clearly and appropriately within a range of cultures.  And let's not forget the importance of laughing together!

Housemates in 2010 (1 not pictured) with our Christmas gifts

Housemates in 2011: we were going for "awkward family photo"

Housemates in 2012...maybe "Sound of Music" style?

Housemates in 2013 - see, it IS possible for us to take a "normal" photo.  :)

US Grown-Up Expectation #5: Buy a house.  My sister Julia reached this milestone by age 25, buying a house with her husband Scott in his native Carlisle, PA last winter.  However, it’s nearly impossible for foreigners in Cambodia…even those planning to stay long-term and raise a family.  That’s partly due to the stipulation that a Cambodian citizen must own at least 51% of your home (AKA you have to find a trusted Cambodian to go in on the sale with you), and partly due to badly enforced property ownership laws that have allowed an epidemic of land-grabbing.  Can you imagine if a rich, well-connected neighbor suddenly showed up with a deed to your house or a document claiming half your land?  It happens far too often here.  The one family I know that’s ever owned a house in Cambodia subsequently sold it, swearing “Never again,” and returned to renting. 

New homeowners

My equivalent: Become an employer.  I do pay my own rent – all $100 per month! – but that can’t really compare to the responsibility of being in charge when the septic tank leaks or the furnace breaks down.  Maybe a better comparison would be the responsibility I have as an employer, since this house came with a “house helper” who cooks dinner and cleans for us on weekdays.  In Cambodia, it's not as cut-and-dried as a US employer/employee relationship: the employee is expected to be very loyal, and the employer is expected to provide for the employee in ways beyond the monthly paycheck.  For example, I helped Khouch sign up her son for the free after-school program at Logos and found a low-cost clinic to treat her mom’s eye trouble.  When her cousin got into a bad car crash, Khouch asked us for an emergency loan.  We’re now trying to help her start a savings program, rare among Cambodians.  Khouch has shared prayer requests and difficulties with us that she says she doesn’t really tell other Cambodians.  Some of my most uncomfortable moments have occurred while attempting sensitive conversations with her across boundaries of culture and language.  Khouch has also been an AMAZING help – from cooking tasty dinners to helping me practice Khmer – and I’m very thankful for her hard work and her friendship.  But at times it’s sobering to have so much influence over her well-being.

Last summer, Khouch taught me Khmer recipes, like lok lak (flavorful beef with vegetables)

US Grown-Up Expectation #6: Have kids.  A number of my friends back home have attained this one in the last two years.  Lucas and Audrey announced this summer that they’re expecting identical twins around New Year’s.  If that doesn’t catapult you into the realm of adulthood, I don’t know what would!  They’re nervous but very excited, and though they’re only 24ish, I’m convinced they’ll be awesome parents.  I’m delighted about becoming an aunt, but the charms of single motherhood haven't quite won me over yet.

Surprise!

My equivalent: Have a hundred kids…in my classes.  I love all my students and spend lots of time with them.  I pray for them, sit with them at lunch, coach them on assignments, offer them advice, listen to them.  One of them even used to call me her “Cambodian mommy,” since her mom lived in another country.  But I am only in charge of them when they are in my classroom, and except for Bible camp and the high school retreat, I have nights and weekends off.   Which is just fine with me. 

My friend Adrianne commented recently that the whole way through high school, you follow a similar timetable to your peers.   Everyone enters middle school on the same day.  Everyone’s summer break lasts the same length of time.  Everyone expects to graduate on the same day, barring disaster.  But after that, paths soon diverge until there’s no longer a “normal” time to reach milestones.  In my generation, that’s far truer than sixty years ago, when nearly everyone was married by 25 and had a house and kids by 30.  Sometimes I tend to envy people who are reaching milestones before me, or I feel insecure about taking too long to attain them.  But I guess the key to growing up is to keep maturing, whether or not your newfound maturity comes with a house or a car or a spouse.  Instead of ranking myself compared to my friends and siblings, I can toss out the checklist of expectations and concentrate on just plain growing.