I may have been an education major...

but my classes neglected to cover some crucial details. At the Chelsea Cooper School for First-Year Teachers, here are the courses that would be offered.

Decisiveness 101 – making up your mind on lesson plans before students walk in the door, no matter how mediocre the plans may seem.
Innuendo-Free Teaching 100 – because nearly any example sentence in a language lesson can be misconstrued if someone tries hard enough. It’s a race against pros to spot the innuendo before students can.
Advanced Placement German – if I could just take this class, maybe I’d have some idea of how it should be taught.
Meteorology 57 – to anticipate snow days/delays and know when I can take the evening off. Because in Happy Valley, there are a lot of snow days to be had.
Lip-Reading 92 – for my quiet students in the back row.
Pop Culture 212 – who is Gary Coleman, and why did a student suggest that his chosen superpower would be to make infinite numbers of Gary Coleman T-shirts? Minus five points for Frau Cooper. Knowing offhand that Guitar Hero features songs by Die Toten Hosen? I like to think that's plus eleven points right there.
Direction-Giving 36 – so they’re clear the first time I give them, instead of only the fifth.
Using State High’s Technology 118 – this is the one class I feel I’ve actually taken, with Tech Support angels spending hours setting me up with all kinds of gimmicks and gadgets to streamline my teaching. Understanding the reasons that grading, attendance, and report cards require three totally separate systems, though, must be part of the second-semester course.