The further I get into this school year, the more these two thoughts float around in my head:
1. This is sooo much easier than last year!
2. I am at my limit: I can't handle any more than this.
Which leads to the question, how did I do it last year? I have NO idea. How did I juggle 5 separate courses, culture shock, heat, power outages, brand-new age groups, brand-new learners' needs, and the list goes on? How did I handle my numerous commitments outside of class? I pulled that off for a YEAR? Because at the moment, with 4 courses (2 repeated from last year), I am on the verge of exhaustion.
Last year, I would constantly be tempted to give into panic attacks. "I know I was okay the LAST time, but look at this crisis now! I can't make it! Any day now, I'm going to break and everything will fall apart." Time and again, God showed me that He was faithful to renew my energy. Eventually, I started expecting Him to come through, just as he always had.
But somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that the panic was the crazy part. "I must just be a worrier - it's illogical to stress about this." I'm now realizing that from a logical standpoint, worry WAS the logical response. Any sane person would know it's not possible to do what I did last year, or what so many other Logos teachers have done. Yet we did. As my roommate put it, "Students know that we love them. But they have no idea how long ago our love ran out and only God's love was left to pour through us." My new proof for God's existence: come to Logos and see for yourself!
Same with my students. This year I've been astounded to see so many of them thriving in school and to learn more about their families' struggles. How can you possibly be working and growing the way you are? This one's mom is on drugs, that one's dad recently passed away, this one's brother was murdered, that one faces all kinds of abuse, and these ones live by themselves. How are you still breathing, let alone discussing utopian societies and Greek tragedy and college applications?
I always knew God's grace is real here, but I'm catching a glimpse of just how big it is. And I'm glad that He has me at my limit already; it will highlight His power and faithfulness once again this year. I need the constant reminders that it's not my strength that determines what I accomplish; it's only Him.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 15, 2010
I’m baaaaack!
Miscellaneous observations since returning to Phnom Penh two weeks ago:
-Returning is so much nicer than arriving for the first time! I've loved reuniting with staff and students and rediscovering quirks and fun things from last year.
-It's rainy season, so there's a storm every afternoon. The heat is SO MUCH more livable as a result. Rain is fun! Except when you're driving a moto and it's up to your knees. Thankfully, that was my housemate, not me.
-To prevent flooding in the classrooms, they poured concrete strips for the cracks under the classroom doors. (Our school is California-style, with open-air hallways.) Mine and my neighbor's already broke when people accidentally kicked them...not hard, either. Note to self: move new books off the floor!
-Students have so much more energy and motivation when they're not melting in heat waves.
-In some contexts (ex. restaurants and grocery stores), Cambodia's customer service is phenomenal. In others (ex. Internet installation), it leaves something to be desired.
-Cambodia is awfully far from Pennsylvania. This is sad.
-Teaching wears you OUT!
-Life in Cambodia sometimes feels extraordinarily hard. And I'm not always sure why.
-Little things quickly become big things if you let them, maybe more so here than at home. If I let myself become minorly stressed or annoyed, it can turn into a crisis in no time flat. I know too many missionaries who have struggled with bitterness and burnout. I need to guard my thoughts and not give into anxiety and frustration.
-Helpful people (and they are many) keep me sane. They're like a direct injection of God's grace.
-Something I failed to notice last year: using a moto to tow a wheelbarrow. No trailer hitch or bungee cord needed, just have your passengers hold the wheelbarrow handles. Brilliant.
-When it's in season (ex. right now), dragonfruit is fantastically delicious.
-Speaking Khmer is so much more fun when you've learned a lot more words recently. I want to keep up both the studying and the speaking this year, in contrast with last year.
-God is so faithful, even when we can't see it right away!
-Returning is so much nicer than arriving for the first time! I've loved reuniting with staff and students and rediscovering quirks and fun things from last year.
-It's rainy season, so there's a storm every afternoon. The heat is SO MUCH more livable as a result. Rain is fun! Except when you're driving a moto and it's up to your knees. Thankfully, that was my housemate, not me.
-To prevent flooding in the classrooms, they poured concrete strips for the cracks under the classroom doors. (Our school is California-style, with open-air hallways.) Mine and my neighbor's already broke when people accidentally kicked them...not hard, either. Note to self: move new books off the floor!
-Students have so much more energy and motivation when they're not melting in heat waves.
-In some contexts (ex. restaurants and grocery stores), Cambodia's customer service is phenomenal. In others (ex. Internet installation), it leaves something to be desired.
-Cambodia is awfully far from Pennsylvania. This is sad.
-Teaching wears you OUT!
-Life in Cambodia sometimes feels extraordinarily hard. And I'm not always sure why.
-Little things quickly become big things if you let them, maybe more so here than at home. If I let myself become minorly stressed or annoyed, it can turn into a crisis in no time flat. I know too many missionaries who have struggled with bitterness and burnout. I need to guard my thoughts and not give into anxiety and frustration.
-Helpful people (and they are many) keep me sane. They're like a direct injection of God's grace.
-Something I failed to notice last year: using a moto to tow a wheelbarrow. No trailer hitch or bungee cord needed, just have your passengers hold the wheelbarrow handles. Brilliant.
-When it's in season (ex. right now), dragonfruit is fantastically delicious.
-Speaking Khmer is so much more fun when you've learned a lot more words recently. I want to keep up both the studying and the speaking this year, in contrast with last year.
-God is so faithful, even when we can't see it right away!
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